I've been writing on the subject of medical embarrassment / humiliation (among other things!) for nearly eight years now—creating story after story of shy, modest women who are humiliated to the nth degree by any man (doctor or not) lucky enough to redden her cheeks and get his hands all over her. As a result, many readers have asked me: “Well, J.C., what about you? Do you get embarrassed whenever you’re being examined by a male doctor?
And my short answer is:
Absolutely...but...
Now, here’s the long answer:
When I was in college and started going to a gynecologist, I guess you could say I was more or less the typical female who doesn’t exactly enjoy spreading her legs for a man but who never had any major bouts of humiliation from it. A little embarrassment, a bit of discomfort…and that was that.
But all that changed in a big way a couple of years after college. In fact, two things happened at around the same time that rattled my sensibilities to the core!
The first happened immediately following one of my gyno appointments. My then-boyfriend Matt offered to bring me to the appointment and wait out in the car because, afterward, we had plans to go to a Red Sox game. Well, the appointment went perfectly fine. It was during the 45-minute ride into Boston that things started to get weird.
I noticed Kyle casting glances my way every minute or so. Finally, he turned to me, and this is what he said: “J.C., can I ask you something? Do you get, like, embarrassed having to take your clothes off for some dude and then having to let him squeeze your tits, spread your legs for him, and let him stick his fingers inside you?”
I looked at him with a bit of surprise. “Um, well, no. I mean, he’s a doctor.”
He shrugged. “So? He’s still a guy. He still has a dick. And I refuse to believe that a guy stops being a guy whenever he puts on a white coat.”
I laughed. “Well, maybe he’s still a guy, but, I mean, doctors don’t enjoy it. They’ve done it so many hundreds of times they don’t even notice.”
He shrugged again. “You sure about that? Hell, I’ve had sex hundreds of times, and I still totally get off on it. I’ve eaten ice cream hundreds of times and still enjoy it. What’s the difference?”
Man, I was thinking, this is getting weird! I shrugged back. “Well, I don’t know. Doctors always say they don’t enjoy it—”
“Well, duh, of course, they would say that. What else are they gonna say? That they get off fingering their patients?”
“Well…still…I mean, he’s helping me!”
“Oh, yeah? What did he do just now to make you healthier or save your life?”
“Well…nothing, I guess. But if there had been a problem, he would have found it.” It was around now when I started thinking that I was about to lose this ‘debate’! “But…he’s a doctor,” I repeated more emphatically. “They’re entitled to do that.”
“Oh, yeah? What if it were a male nurse examining you? Or what about a twenty-year-old med student? They’re not doctors. Would you let them finger you?” Before I could answer, he went on. “My brother-in-law is a Doctor of Engineering. So, does that entitle him to check you over? And what if a fireman pulled you from a burning building and saved your life? Would you let him finger you?”
I laughed out loud at those absurd arguments. “Of course not!”
He sighed, shaking his head. “So, basically anyone in the medical field, doctor or not, can do that stuff to you…the fingers, the speculum, the probing. But no one else can, even if they save your life or help you.”
My mouth opened and closed a bunch of times. “What are you getting at?”
Another shrug. “I guess I just can’t see why you wouldn’t get humiliated out of your mind when one of them tells you to take your clothes off, put on one of those gowns, lay down on a table, put your feet up in those stirrups, and let him put his fingers in there…even though if anyone else tried that, you’d have them arrested. Even the Doctor of Engineering…even the fireman. We’re talking about you paying some dude to basically finger-fuck you! And those stirrups! Isn’t that sort of a mild form of bondage? Anyway, doesn't any of that bother you?”
Well, this discussion lasted all the way to Fenway Park. And in the end, I was left so confused. I suddenly started picturing the exam I’d just had…and feeling five times more embarrassed about it. I guess I’d been hanging onto a double standard all along, and now it was messing with my head big time!
And then, a few months later, came the second blow:
Back then, I used to do secretarial work for an insurance company. Well, one day, they announced that all employees needed to submit to a medical exam in order to secure our health insurance. And it was to be done “in-house.”
So, as a result of the conversation I’d had with my boyfriend, I was already feeling pretty uncomfortable as I went into the room where they were doing the exams and was told to get everything off. And much to my dismay, the physician’s assistant doing the exam turned out to be a man—a big, burly, authoritarian fifty-something.
But even worse was that after he did the vaginal exam, which was my most unpleasant yet, he said, okay, I’m going to check your rectum…scoot down….”
Oh, my God, I wasn’t expecting that! Plus, I’d never even had one of those before. So, when I felt his finger slide into my tight virgin hole, it just blew my mind! God, I was so humiliated now! I was mortified! This—this non-doctor had the authority to put his finger there? And twist it around and stuff? It was absolutely the worst experience I’d ever had! (I guess I’d lived a pretty sheltered life until then!) I wasn’t sure why I felt infinitely more embarrassed being examined in my bottom than in my vagina. But the bottom line is…I was!
But then, the weirdest part of all happened.
As soon as he left the room so I could get dressed, I realized that I was getting off on it! I was still shaky, my cheeks were still burning, and I felt queasy all over…but somehow, I was enjoying it! I mean, I was still reeling from the humiliation, but I was getting wet and feeling aroused at the same time! It was so weird!
And it’s been like that ever since! Whenever I’m told to undress and all the rest, I feel enormously embarrassed and enormously turned on! Obviously, these experiences fed my decision to write about this stuff!
Now, dear reader, don’t go thinking that I have an orgasm every time a male doc pokes around inside me. That never happened, and it never will. Wanna know why? Because the exam is too brief, and I generally take a bit of time to get to the point of having an orgasm.
However…
I will confess that there have been times when I leave the appointment and go out to my car turned on to the point where I get in and start fingering myself all the way to orgasm! Yes! I just close my eyes, reach under my skirt, and imagine the embarrassment all over again. And if I take my sweet time…then voila! Fun time!
All in all, my medical experiences with men of medicine have continued to humiliate and titillate me to this day. It’s a total love-hate situation. As much as I hate all the embarrassing parts, I also love them to the point where I now go out of my way to ensure I get a male doctor. And at risk of embarrassing myself right now, I even confess that I try my best to find the ones who’ll likely make me the most embarrassed! The ones who are less handsome, less friendly, and less compassionate—at least as long as they’re good at what they do!
In fact, I’m actually considering asking my doctor at my next exam if I could interview him! Maybe if I butter him up, he’ll lose his filter and tell me everything!
Meanwhile, check out the following series for oodles of fictional examples of tortured husbands, humiliated wives, and smug doctors:
And from my good friend (and mentor) Maggie Maloney:
Toodle-oo till next time!
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